Whew, last night was a biggun’. All that campaigning, all that spending – politics is a money game, my friend, just like the game of love.
So you’re looking at the headline of this blog post, and you’re thinking to yourself, “But Ray didn’t win Iowa (although he should have, clearly, and gosh, ain’t he handsome?).” I understand how you feel. But let it be known, I did, indeed, “win” Iowa. You can’t see me now, but I’m making those little air quote signs when I say “win.” Kind of like how I make them when I talk about how our software “just plain works.” Well, it works for Ray Hopewood’s wallet, that’s for damn sure.
First of all, I’m not running as a Republican or a Democrat, but as a Technocrat. Trust me, pal, I’ve got that nomination locked up tight.
Second, Barrack Obama and Mike Huckabee landed upset wins for their respective parties. How did they do that? By using software from Hopewood Industries, of course!
Sorry, that should be “using.” Air quotes, just love those things.
Both campaigns bought Hopewood software. Don’t know if they actually used it but what matters is they bought it and lots of it. You know that old adage “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours?” We have a similar saying at Hopewood Industries: “you buy craploads of enterprise software for your campaign, and we’ll create fake ids for in-source voters from Malaysia and send them to the polls.”
That’s what we call a win-win situation, folks. Obama wins, Huckabee wins, Clinton wins (well she placed third, but she’s calling it a win, so you go, girl), Hopewood wins and Chua Soi Lek lands a boondoggle for his people on Malaysia to take the focus off his “home movies.”
The Enterprise Software Alliance Political Action Committee, whose members include Microsoft, Symantac and McAfee, announced today their endorsement of Ray Hopewood for president. The announcement comes at a time when the race is tightening up only a week before the caucus.
Christmas was very good to Ray Hopewood. But then again, every day is good when you’re Ray Hopewood.
At this time of the year, it’s important to take a step back from the rat race of politics and look at the things that really matter in the world – and those things are “money.” Oh, and dollars, because money and dollars together are “things” that matter, not “thing” – don’t talk to Ray Hopewood about grammar, I know my plurals.
Now some people think that the Holiday Season is about family. It is; it’s about what you can buy for your family. When you make the kind of money that I make, you can buy a lot, let me tell you. So to all of my loyal Hopewood Technologies customers, my son wants to thank you for the Lamborghini (he’s only 13, but I bought him two so he can practice and wreck one) and ex-Mrs. Hopewood #1 wants to thank you for that South Pacific island I got her. Haven’t heard from Ex-Mrs. Hopewoods 2-4, but I’m sure they’re enjoying their new G4s. Long as they don’t fly in for a visit then Christmas Rev.07 will be a huge success!
My Presidential rivals are all “back from Christmas break” and on the campaign trail. This is funny. They don’t know the secret to success, and that secret is “take time off.” Like my enterprise software company – I gave the support staff three weeks off for the Holidays. I outsource support to Kazakhstan, and while I’m not sure they actually celebrate Christmas because none of them speak English, they sure do enjoy those three weeks tending goats or whatever they do. Either way the customers will get by. It’s what Papa Hopewood called “tough love.” Creates self reliance! Like learning to swim – Papa took all us Hopewood kids over to the deep end of the lake and with one push we were swimming. Except Suzie, but that’s another story … Trust me, by the time my support staff (all four of them) get back from vacation, the customers will be ready to buy any upgrade we put in front of them. And that’s the kind of Christmas present that Ray Hopewood really loves. Keep your Partridge in a Pear Tree, I’ll take Upgrades! Five Golden rings aren’t bad …
So Ron, Hillary, Barak, Rudy, Mitt and Mike are out there busting their buns. Not Ray Hopewood! How silly. If I did that, I’d have to listen to voters, which makes about as much sense as listening to customers. I know what they all want – why confuse the issue with the opinions of a few loud mouthed malcontents? I’m spending the next few weeks being productive! Working on my Facebook Page with my new campaign managers, Vanessa Hudgens and Fred Thompson (let’s face it, they both need new jobs). They are also working on getting me a date with Carla Bruni – why should that French President Sarkozy have all the fun? You got to have priorities! Besides, I don’t see why if you’re "running" for President you can’t walk a little too?
If there is one thing that can be said about Hopewood’s presidency, it is that it will be efficient. Fellow Drudgereport readers may have picked up on this item, Man in Robot Costume Heckles Bill Clinton. Those with any familiarity to Hopewood, may have thought, “That must be Hopewood!” If so, they were right.
When a major Japanese robotics company CEO and Ray were on his yacht discussing ideas for how to best draw publicity for their upcoming partnership, Ray didn’t even hesitate to come up with ways to incorporate it into his campaign. This idea, of heckling the husband of Senator Clinton while drawing attention to this new deal was a perfect way to “let free two eagles with one key,” Hopewood said.
In a statement following up the event, Hopewood said, “When we first heard about our partner’s desire to
work with us, I was overjoyed. I had just watched Godzilla on Spike-not the original, of course, but the one with Matthew Broderick- and I couldn’t stop thinking about how great the Japanese are with their monsters crushing everything that gets in their way. In the same manner, we believe this partnership will allow us to
fully stomp over all our competitors, just as I will trounce my fellow candidates in the upcoming election.”
By J. Rarvel of the Hopewood Campaign Staff
The news media, in their usual manner, have been spinning this video clip of my boss and good friend Ray Hopewood in unseemly ways—saying that Ray Hopewood is focused only on profit.
It is a clip from an event for the software company Ray Hopewood runs and that bears his name—Hopewood Technologies.
I say it is this undeniable energy and passion that this country needs. See for yourself right here.
By J. Rarvel, Hopewood Campaign Staff
Today Ray Hopewood took time out of his fundraising schedule to finally address concerns surrounding his faith. Throughout the campaign, Hopewood has not shied away from evoking his religion, dodging the advice of many political consultants who say his beliefs are too esoteric to be embraced by the American public. Hopewood finally put questions surrounding his faith to rest today by speaking at a Houston’s Steakhouse in San Francisco
Excerpts from his speech follow.
“My fellow God-fearing Americans, there is not but one door into the Kingdom of Heaven, What you call Yahweh or Jehova, or, perhaps even Allah, I just call Benjamin.
Money, my religion, has aided my actions and informed my decisions, much in the same way as it has yours.
Above all, my religion provides me moral guidance. Without Money showing me the way, I would have been stuck in the bushes of despair. Perhaps I would have been working for Peace Corps, or maybe wasting time in the armed forces. I certainly wouldn’t be standing here today as a hyper-successful software tycoon who will be your next president.
“Center to this belief is the Hopewood Technologies software. It has showed me, and many others, the way to live a fulfilling and meaningful life. Never has this been more true than with, our most recent upgrade
of our Hopestar security platform, Hopestar 8.
“I hope we can finally put these questions aside, and focus on the grander issues facing our country today. And know that, it is only with the aid of my good Lord, that I will be elected to serve you.”
Ray Hopewood, continuing in his tradition of being the green candidate is officially offering to recycle the cash that his competitors are returning to the fundraiser and international man of mystery. “Giving back money? That’s nuts!” exclaimed Hopewood. “Like
Denny’s, the Hopewood campaign never closes, and if Mr. Hsu can’t reach
my finance committee during office hours, they know how to reach me.” Hopewood continued: “I just hate to see perfectly
good money go to waste.” Posted by J. Rarvel, Hopewood Campaign Staff
Mr. Hopewood would like to express sadness today, and send his wishes to Mitt Romney and his family on the loss of the Romney laptops. The laptops were stolen from Mr. Romney’s campaign offices. Mr. Hopewood, his family, and entire campaign staff, and all Americans wish the Romney organization a speedy recovery from this terrible situation.
Ray Hopewood would like to extend his congratulations to his daughter (with his third wife Candy) who has been named Miss Teen South Carolina.
Here is a recent video clip of the lovely and talented future First Daughter. In addition, Ray Hopewood pledges free maps for every American child.
My Fellow Americans — and you are my Fellow Americans ….
Ask not what you can do for your country, but rather ask a more important question: what song shall be the offical Ray Hopewood 2008 campaign song?
The campaign is accepting nominations now. To nominate a song, simply leave a comment. Ray and the staff will put our favorites up for a vote later in the race.
For now… here are a few songs that we like just to get the nomination process started. They are:
- "Money, Money, Money" by ABBA
- "Money Talks" by AC/DC
- "Take the Money and Run" by the Steve Miller Band and
- "Money for Nothing" (Ray’s current favorite — he just loves the title and the very concept) by Dire Straits.
Listen to Ray’s Favorite Nominated Songs on "Radio Ray"
Ray Hopewood lives well. Vote Ray Hopewood and all Americans will have a president who lives well. And that is good for morale. To keep us all going until election day the campaign has commissioned Live Well wrist bands. Coming Soon.
Dear Paris, congratulations to you and your family on your release from prison — from the entire Ray Hopewood campaign.
You should never have been imprisoned in such a harsh and unfair manner. Prison just simply wasn’t designed for people like you.
Now… your luck just got even better. Ray Hopewood’s company manufactured the software for the ankle bracelet system that you have so unfairly been required to wear. (I’m sure you look gorgeous in it, so don’t worry)
We can adjust the settings on your bracelet so it will look to the authorities as if you’re safely and contritely at your home when you’re in fact out and about with Ray Hopewood. Yes Paris, come do some community service with Ray Hopewood, if you know what I mean.
This is just another example, and I hope the American people will notice, of Ray Hopewood and technology making our country better. Vote Ray Hopewood in ’08
Ray and I didn’t have time to stop in at Walt and Kara’s "D" Conference last week — but we did buzz the Four Seasons in the jet on our way south for some much needed R&R. That was fun. Heard later that John-O McCain quipped on stage that he’d make Steve-O Balmer Ambassador to China if elected (as if he’ll be elected). Bad idea. Both of those guys are wimps: John-O and Steve-O. Can’t have wimps dealing with China. What you need is Ray Hopewood.
Mitt. He might look presidential. But he don’t think presidential. Do you really want a guy in office who says he’ll donate his presidential salary to charity. That’s just unAmerican. Vote for Capitalism. Vote Ray Hopewood in 2008. And if you’re somehow captured by Mitt’s Charity Fever, than click your little mouse over to the Ray Hopewood ’08 online shop and buy yourself some Ray Hopewood gear. All monies will be donated directly to me!
- Bert Уфа on Hopewood wins in Iowa, moves on to New Hampshire
- Sabrina on The true meaning of Christmas
- Marc on Hopewood Campaign Tactics Raise Poll Numbers, Increase Sales
- Jimmy-Ray Carvel on Ray Hopewood Congratulates His Daughter: Miss Teen South Carolina
- Jimmy-Ray Carvel on Ray Hopewood Congratulates His Daughter: Miss Teen South Carolina